She wore her darkness like some girls wear a little black dress. – JW
I have a happy personality with a dark soul.
Sometimes it gets weird. Sometimes it gets too close for comfort. I take one look at the Literature I make and I realize this. The purpose of creating this blog was first and foremost, a writing therapy. I’m not quite sure where my depression comes from. I still look at what I have now and I am able to say ‘Thank you.’ I know I’m lucky – beyond words. However, I can’t shake this feeling of a need. The need to tell others what I’m going through and yet relish in the relief of not having said anything at all.
Don’t get me wrong, my happy ‘front’ is not a front. In fact, I genuinely believe it to be real.
I am not antisocial either, quite rather, I am a textbook extrovert. I like drawing energy from the world around me. I like discovering new souls – not their shallow eggshells most people turn to for approval, but I crave for what really is deep inside. That’s what differs. More often, the things that interest me the most are the deepest. I fall in love with those that have depth both in mind and in soul. This, I now believe, is the cause of it all.
Imagine peering into a well, safe, out-of-reach, and comforted in the blockade of bricks and support that you rest your arms on. Beneath you is a stretching abyss that seems to go on and on for lengths’ end. Yet you can never tell, at least, you can never be sure. It will always be an answer you can’t have, not unless you risk letting go of the comfort and plunging into the darkness.
The pitch black darkness.
People have a certain darkness in them.
All of them.
While it is beautiful, I can tell you – it can also be dangerous. Getting to know someone on such an intimate personal level has its own pros and cons. Humans are either wired to destroy or build, as a matter of fact, those two qualities overlap and interlace with one another. They destroy to build and then build to be destroyed for the purpose of rebuilding again.
As time goes by, I fear this in people.
My extroversion has taught me nothing but the fact that meeting new souls is a lottery match. It’s a 50-50 chance of either poison or pleasure. You learn a few tricks as you go. You begin to understand intentions. You detect signals. You identify patterns in behavior and deed. Sadly, most of the time I have been nothing but disappointed. I end up saddened and exhausted. So, this is our nature. So, this is what we truly are.
It makes you wish you never knew.
However, the greatest fear I have come to understand that despite all of this. Despite people having ill intentions and murderous thoughts, schemes, dark agendas. The biggest fear, I have come to know, is the fact that that pitch black darkness is inside of me too.
The best way to deal with things now is to know.
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.” – Carl Jung
Damnit, why didn’t I think of that.